Posted on

Twenty-nine

I was at the doctor’s office a few works ago for an annual check up. (For once.) As I sat down with the nurse practitioner, she looked at my chart and announced.

“Ah, I turned 30 last year. That one hurt.”

I must have looked confused because she immediately followed with, “I mean, I don’t know if you think about age like that.”

I laughed, because I don’t think about age like that, whatever that is. Most of the time I forget how old I am. For the past ten years, I mostly thought I was 18. For the past few months, I seem to have settled on 32.

To clarify, I’m 29. As in, 29 years ago today I stood up in my mother’s womb and announced, “Dammit, I’m not waiting any longer” and I arrived in this world one full month early because I like giving myself a little extra time to make sure I’m not late.

28 was a doozy. I hated 28 because it was hard. I loved 28 because it was hard. Everything changed, and nothing changed. It was the worst, and the best. 28, you were a freaking roller coaster.

I spent a lot of 28 oscillating between daydreams and tears.

In January, I packed up my apartment, bought a one-way ticket to Italy, and signed my dog up for a ridiculously expensive pet relocation program because everyone hates pit mixes even though they’re literally the best dogs ever. Then I had second thoughts  — partially around money (I’d vastly underestimated the Italian tax system), partially around being so far friends and family. Things came up and I wanted to be there for the people around me. Isn’t that what Italian culture is best known for anyway?

After lots of confusing tears, I canceled my move.

I traveled, I moved again, I traveled some more, I crashed. (I was going to say I crashed at my mother’s, but just “crashed” seems really appropriate, too.)

I have a hunch on where I want to go next, but I’m waiting. Sometimes things need to germinate a bit before you share them with the world. That’s a lesson courtesy of year 28, thank you very much.

In the course of the past year, I:

  • I visited Brazil, on my 28th birthday, and celebrated with some of my favorite people in the world. That was one of the most meaningful trips I’ve ever taken, for so many reasons. I felt so open to possibility at that time and it was the first time I felt any doubt about moving to Italy, which was necessary, because it’s useful to question what you want, all the time, even if you’ve wanted it for the better part of a decade. Plus, Brazil is the most beautiful place in the world.
  • I got, and used, my Italian passport. More than once! Including an odd interaction with a Lufthansa agent who said he’d just “believe me” when I said I was American too while boarding a flight back to the States because I’d shown the wrong passport. Apparently I have a believable face.
  • I visited Orlando, and the Wizarding World of Harry Potter (butterbeer! magic wands! roller coasters!), with some really good friends. I also had difficult, emotional, eye-opening, and hilarious conversations with said friends that planted seeds for what I wanted to do next now that Italy was out of the picture.
  • Then I traveled to Germany, and traveled alone in a country where I didn’t speak the language for the first time. I hardly spoke, it was fantastic. (Though, I wish I loved Berlin as much as everybody else seems to.)
  • I danced my heart out with more friends in Philadelphia in my effort to scope out the city for my next move. (Friends are the best.) I subsequently moved to Philadelphia, and then moved out of Philadelphia. As my mother puts it, I “took my furniture on a vacation.” (Pro-tip: don’t do that.)
  • I cried as I moved my final box back into storage. (Pro-tip: do that if it makes you feel better.)
  • I went to Sedona and the Grand Canyon with my mother. We had some good, tough conversations on that trip, as well. Moms are good for helping you figure out your life.
  • I made plans to have said mom watch my dog for two months while I tried to take some time to figure out what I wanted next. Started daydreaming.
  • I went to Spain and Vienna with my coworker for two whole weeks and enjoyed new parts of Europe. We spoke together at WordCamp Europe, which was even more frightening than WordCamp US, but went even better. So now I want to do that some more.
  • I subsequently went to a conference in California where I visited LA for the first time and was shocked with how much I loved the city. Am I still allowed to be a Jersey girl now? Will they blockade my arrival at the Holland Tunnel?
  • I booked a place to stay in Bali, which fell through. I subsequently booked a place in Spain, which fell through as well. I finally gave in to divine fate after having booked a flight from Vancouver to Los Angeles after the Automattic Grand Meetup. I wasn’t planning to stay in LA, but thought it’d be cheaper to get to Bali from there. Now, I’ll be in Los Angeles for those two “figure out life” months.
  • I signed up for classes (namely, Presence) that honor my new age-y, crystal-loving inner self because that’s a part of who I am. It’s been eye-opening, already. There’s something about just monitoring the emotions you’re feeling, when you feel them, and how they make you feel that’s surprisingly enlightening, even though it doesn’t always feel like hard work.
  • Subsequently, I find myself embracing the idea of conflict more. I’ve always been a people pleaser, afraid to voice my opinions lest it hurt someone else’s feelings. Slowly, I’m accepting the idea that conflict is more caring and loving than lying to someone about how you really feel. (Important note: being honest isn’t always a conflict.)
  • I focused less on yoga, and more on weightlifting. For the first time in my life, I’m able to (mostly) look at my body in terms of what it can do and how I can power it. That’s huge for me. I’m so grateful that I found an activity that helps me focus more on growing (i.e. strength), rather than losing (i.e. size/weight/etc).
  • I also signed up for my first personal training session at this amazing gym in NYC and felt all kinds of feels about being in the space and challenging myself. Plus, they had a dog. It sounds like a small thing, but really, it was enlightening in terms of what I want to focus on, now and for the future.

I’m going into 29 so confused still, and it’s okay. I’ve often heard people joke that as they get older, they care what other people think less and less. I always thought I didn’t really care what other people thought, but there’s a different type of shift. It’s more that I don’t care if I’m liked. I notice myself saying what I think more. I find myself wanting to embrace that honesty, even if it’s difficult at times.

I always try very hard to come across as smart, put together, organized. I’m not though. I can be productive at work, but simultaneously stuck in my head playing volleyball with the same thoughts about where to live for hours. I get down on myself. I feel pressure for not wanting kids, not wanting to be married. 30 is supposed to be that magical number, right?

And yet, it’s like that Nayirrah Waheed poem. “Respond to rejection by being more you.”

I feel pressure. I feel scared. I feel unsure of myself. If I say it out loud, it’s not such a scary, ominous, overpowering thing any more. Nope. It’s just a feeling and a sensation. It’s my truth.

In other words, I’m grateful for another year. Bring on 30 for the next one. As my ever-wise and unassumingly funny mom always says, “It’s better than the alternative.”

23 thoughts on “Twenty-nine

  1. I just turned 37 and I still feel 18-21 years old :). Thanks for sharing your last year!

    1. Haha, I love the idea of age as this moving scale. Thanks Aaron!

  2. Time is like a Chinese finger trap. Some parts are close together and covered rapidly, and other segments stretch out forever. I think that’s a more accurate way to measure our years.

    1. Yes, this! I love that visualization 😀

  3. My early 20s were better than my early 30s, but my early 30s have been LIGHT YEARS better than my late 20s. Ymmv, but I have a strong suspicion you’re about to have a ridiculously fantastic time over the next few years. 😉

    Also, Southwestern road trips with one’s mother are the best way to figure one’s shit out.

    1. I have a strong suspicion you’re about to have a ridiculously fantastic time over the next few years.

      I’m holding you to this 😂

  4. Completely anecdotal: 34 is the magic number. Early 30s were better than late 20s, mid 30s were the bomb.com, and late 30s are now killing it.

    Of course, i still think i’m 19.

    1. Phew! So if you think you’re 19, that means you get to be 34 again – let’s coordinate.

  5. ^I’m curious if these comments hold true 🙂 Time will (hopefully) tell. In any case, Happy Birthday! A quote for you: “There are so many ways to be brave in this world. Sometimes bravery involves laying down your life for something bigger than yourself, or for someone else. Sometimes it involves giving up everything you have ever known, or everyone you have ever loved, for the sake of something greater. But sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes it is nothing more than gritting your teeth through pain, and the work of every day, the slow walk toward a better life. That is the sort of bravery I must have now.” – Veronica Roth. Keep being brave – excited to see where you land.

    1. Such a good quote – I love it. Thank you so much Anne ❤️

  6. This really hit home with me. I’ve found myself reflecting a lot lately, while trying to figure out what’s really important to me. And beyond that, how to make those important things a priority in my life. It’s been a weird bit of nostalgia, while trying to let go of parts of my past. Maybe I’m just getting an early start on my mid-life crisis. I do tend to over-prepare…

    I’m going into 29 so confused still, and it’s okay.

    Life is funny. At 18, I thought I would have things figured out by 21. At 21, I’d have them figured out by 25. I’m now wondering if there is such a thing as “figuring it out.” I’m starting to doubt it, and if there is, it would probably be boring to have everything figured out anyways.

    Coincidentally enough, I just turned 29 in August. Maybe this is what 29 is for… Happy birthday 🙂

    1. Thanks Ryan! I found a bunch of old journals recently and it’s so funny how I’d write out these lists of things I wanted to do when I was an adult. And I still write those lists now 😄

      Good luck (and happy birthday) with your figuring out nothing can be figured out year too!

  7. Great post Erica. Let me know if you ever make it over Scotland way!

    1. Thanks so much 🙂 Fingers crossed that I make it there soon!

  8. Hahah I also easily forget how old I am 🙂 When I was home my mom looked at me and said “my dear you like 18” and I really believe her. Let’s forget about age because the age will never be a reason why? Nice post dear Erica 🙂

    1. Thanks Ana! It’s all about how you feel 🙂

  9. I’m 36 and I feel like I finally hit my 20s. Too bad we can’t just say what the age we feel and not the age we are. Oh well.

    1. I think we should just go for it and say the age we feel 🙂

  10. I’m so jealous that your job allows you to move and travel so much! How did you get into your job? I want to hear all about it!

    1. It’s really a blessing! I started working at Automattic a few years ago. I was looking for a job and wanted to work on something that I actually used. I was an active freelance writer and blogger at the time, so I took a chance applying to do WordPress.com support and it’s been amazing ever since. We’re always hiring 🙂

      1. I feel like you guys probably want more seasoned writers than me but what the heck, I’ll give it a shot. Thanks so much!

  11. Oh my god such an amazing list of places you’ve been😍 how’d you like Sedona? I went one year for Thanksgiving and it was fantastic! (Grand Canyons cool too but I really love Sedona haha, may be it was the people there)

Leave a Reply